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marcy_italiano
marcy_italiano
22 December 2009 @ 09:13 pm
Muscle Mystery Solved  
I went to see Kevin today. (RMT) Here's the basic rundown...

The large muscles in my body, overall, are definitely way better than ever before. However, there are still some of the smaller muscles underneath that have not recovered and are still very tight from Fibro. My body has not fully recovered yet, nor learned a completely new way of functioning. But I'm getting there. There's more movement and I can actually work with stretching, to the point of being able to tell him what's becoming more flexible.

Plus, I did all the gift wrapping last night so that didn't help my back and he helped me with that. LOL!

My upper back is still irked and tight. My neck and shoulders definitely need more work and I have to be more aware of them to help them out, and remember to turn my head and look down every now and then. LOL!

My lower back is uneven. The lower left side is compensating for the tighter lower right that isn't as flexible. This changes how the hip moves and flexes, especially while running, and that creates a domino effect down the leg. I'd like you to take a quick look at this picture, the side and front view of the hips and leg muscles (unless you know your anatomy really well, then skip it): http://hippie.nu/~unicorn/tut/img/basics/humananatomy/leg-muscles.jpeg

"Rectus femoris:
This muscle originates on the outside of your pelvis just above your hip socket. It attaches to your upper patella and patella tendon. The rectus femoris flexes your hip and extends your knee. This muscle is part of the quadriceps muscle group and is easily felt in the middle of your thigh. The rectus femoris begins to lose its effectiveness as a knee extensor as you flex your hip." -- Running Planet

"Illiotopical Band:
A thick, fibrous band that travels down the lateral side of your thigh from your tensor fascia lata, gluteus maximus and gluteus medius muscles, across the side of your knee to your tibia. ...If you were to lie on your side and raise your leg away from your body you would be abducting your hip and leg." -- Running Planet

Makes sense, right? Now if you have a lower back problem where your hips are uneven and you take more pressure on one side, this causes a problem all down the side of the thigh. What's happening with ME is that my patella, or knee cap, is starting to shift away form center and is being pulled out more to the left, or outside of the knee, hurting like a bastard on the inside.

As for the shins, that's a proper shoe thing and the new ones I exchanged in this week have more support and should do the trick.

But I DON'T have to stop running. I DO have to LISTEN to my body and more importantly, OBEY.

I also have to add a new stretch to my routine: http://www.rice.edu/~jenky/images/ITband2.GIF
When I do this I can feel exactly where it's tight and pulling on my knee!! I am to stay at the running level I've started, Week 4, and do more stretching than running but not to stop running or the muscles will weaken. When the pain lessens I can try stepping it up to Week 5.

So, my "training" will have to take the slow road as my body adjusts. I can deal with that. :)
 
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bev_vincent
bev_vincent
22 December 2009 @ 12:59 pm
The End is Drawing Near  

Unseasonably warm today — just a hair shy of 70° and it’s supposed to be even warmer tomorrow. However, we’ll dip into the 30s on Thursday night, so it might feel a little more seasonal by then.

It’s hard to believe that the first decade of the new millennium is almost over. I remember all the Y2K hubbub almost as if it were yesterday, although when I stop to think about everything that has transpired in the ensuing years it hardly seems that ten years could have held all of those developments. I got my first-ever acceptance letter for a short story almost exactly ten years ago. Of course, the market folded before the issue containing my story was published, but still…

Still working hard on the writing, and still getting acceptance letters and rejections and requests for revision. Today, for example, I received official word that my story “Zombies on a Plane” will be part of the charity anthology Dead Set, to be published in 2010 by 23 House Publishing. One of my earliest publications was a story in another of their charity anthologies, an eBook that benefitted the Make a Wish Foundation, so when I heard that they were putting something else together I decided to submit. I happened to have a zombie story kicking around, one that started as a title and turned into a plot, so it seemed like a good fit.

I’m continuing to work on two other stories under revision. I’m hoping to have them both up to snuff by the end of the year, but my writing schedule is going to become catch-as-catch-can after tomorrow so I’m not entirely sure that’s going to happen. We’ll see.

The Closer was pretty clever last night. I thought I had it all figured out as a collusion between the supposedly battered wife and the cop who arrived on the scene, but it turned out that the story was even more devious than that. Mary McDonnell always brings out the best and worst in Brenda. The evolving drawing of the Wicked Witch of the West was an amusing running joke. The subplot about Fritz’s potential new job made for a good motivator for both Fritz’s behavior and Chief Pope’s inexplicable anger as well.

I’m about 3/4 of the way through Don Quixote. Sancho Panza is deep in discussion with the Duchess, the one who is humoring him and Don Quixote because they are fans of their published exploits.

Originally published at Bev Vincent. You can comment here or there.

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mauricebroaddus
22 December 2009 @ 07:52 am
Look Upon My Cover, Ye Mighty  

http://www.mauricebroaddus.com/2009/12/look-upon-my-cover-ye-mighty


I love what Angry Robot has to say about Cover Love.

KNIGHTS OF BRETON COURT Book One: King Maker

U.K. debut ... March 2010
U.S. debut ... September 2010
from Angry Robot/Harper Collins UK
 
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International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
nick_kaufmann
22 December 2009 @ 09:49 am
Kaufmann Around the Web, Part Two  
My LiveJournal post on the sudden demise of Kirkus Reviews was excerpted by both The News-Herald (which also grumbles, perfectly reasonably, about those awful, annoying as hell Best Buy pop-up ads that have been plaguing the Plus Account LJs of late) and the Los Angeles Times.

Did I mention I'm drunk with power? Kneel before Zod!
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mauricebroaddus
22 December 2009 @ 06:41 am
Ninja Assassin – A Review  

http://www.mauricebroaddus.com/2009/12/ninja-assassin-review

As a quasi-professional movie reviewer, it is rare that I pay actual money to see a movie. Such occasions are reserved for movies that I want to experience, usually in the company of men. Real men watching a real men type movie. Enjoying the secret things that men do. Such a movie was Ninja Assassin (another such movie was The Hangover, but I saw that with my wife).

“Perhaps the path you’ve chose is not the path for which you are suited.” –Tattoo Artist

Hopes were high. We’re talking executive producers Andy and Larry Wachowski (The Matrix Trilogy) and director James McTeigue, the team who brought us V for Vendetta. The script was written by comic book scribe J. Michael Straczynski (Silver Surfer: Requiem, Thor, Strange, Squadron Supreme).

“It doesn’t make sense in a modern world.” –fbi boss

Ninja Assassin is slowed down by trying to have a raison d’etre for ninjas in a modern world. It’s like the movie experienced delusions of being an international thriller. Like we need a reason: they’re ninjas! It suffered from what I will call “the Hitman effect”: when an action movie decides to take itself seriously, so earnest and without humor rather than embrace its ridiculousness and being an enjoyable experience (like say, a Wanted or Crank). With their peppy mantra of “Weakness compels strength. Betrayal begets blood,” the problem with demythologizing or deconstructing the ninja is that it is reduced to being basically a movie about systematic child abuse by a cult.

Ironically, there was not enough … ninja-ing. In fact, at one point, our hero goes from ninja to Bruce Willis in Die Hard mode. The solo training sequences feel like action masturbation. The violence, once the movie gets going, becomes an excuse to hack limbs and sheer torsos. I’m good with violence for violence’s sake but this exercise in blood spraying was filled with some downright silly, poorly lit fight sequences. Not to mention relying entirely too much on CGI effects.

“All this loss, this waste because you put yourself before your family.” –father

All that being said, I can say that I learned a lot during the course of this movie:

1) It rains a lot in ninja world. Almost every ninja training school scene seemed to be mid-downpour.

2) Blood is red as Frank Miller’s ink well. It was splashed all over the place in ways I haven’t seen since Kung Fu theater.

3) Speaking of cost issues, for as intensive and expensive the training is to create one ninja, they sure have no problem sending a buttload of them into battle. Especially when …

4) You can still bust a cap in a ninja’s ass. This movie would have been a lot shorter if they’d just rolled in the military from the beginning.

5) A few gangs signs thrown work better than Mr. Miyagi’s hands (yeah … a Karate Kid reference. I went there) when it comes to healing injuries. But despite that …

6) Ninjas have keloid issues. At some point our hero ought to consult a plastic surgeon to take care of his scars.

7) Ninjas do not believe in recycling. This was a carefully observed lesson, but I remember from my days in junior high school (cause there was always “that” guy who had them, usually the one who whipped out his nunchuks in shop class), that Chinese stars are not cheap. Yet the ninjas in this movie were tossing them around like bullets in a John Woo flick.

“Every moment of your life is a gift.” –master ninja

And I bet you’re wondering what kind of spiritual musings I had while watching this movie. I suppose I could go on about how you must never forget who you are. Or how the path of the master is one of discipline and self-denial. Or how we must be careful about who our true fathers are and what voices we let speak into our lives. But in truth, the main thing I could think of was how different the New Testament would have read if Frank Miller re-wrote it. Cause you know what makes any story better? More ninjas.

“You were the son I was waiting for.” –father

Ninja Assassin didn’t deliver what the trailers promised, the cardinal sin of movie making. I didn’t even bother remembering or looking up the characters names of the actors/actresses who played them. What’s the point? The best any of its makers can hope is that this will do for kusara-gama (I think that’s what my Chinese star wasting friend from junior high shop class called that chain sickle thing … which of course he brought to class) what Bruce Lee flicks did for nunchuks. Or, maybe not. The last thing I need to do is come home to find my boys whipping their belts or dog leashes around at each other.
 
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mauricebroaddus
21 December 2009 @ 06:12 am
Looking for a Few of My (free) Stories?  

http://www.mauricebroaddus.com/2009/12/looking-for-few-of-my-free-stories

People are always asking me where they can read my stuff. You know, without having to actually PAY for the privilege. So I thought I would list the stories of mine that are available online as free reads:
Pimp My Airship
- "I think I'll write a steampunk story with all black characters and call it 'Pimp My Airship'". Which Apex Magazine published August 2009

The Ave
- from the now defunct Horror Literature Quarterly (November 2007). Originally, this story was the second half of the story "Rite of Passage" published in Space and Time Magazine (November 2008). An incarcerated man comes face to face with the spirits of his African heritage.

In the Shadows of Meido
- IDW experimented with having short stories in the back of their comics (December 2005). Because if I'm going to write a vampire tale, it might as well have some samurai in it. Warning: this vampire doesn't sparkle.
Uncle Boogeyman

- I believe this was the second story I wrote when I decided to be a writer (and originally the other half of the tale "Nurses Requiem" which was published in Dark Dreams III). Many drafts later, it was published by Dark Recesses in November 2009. A few nurses aides take it upon themselves to carry on the work of a mysterious force within the confines of a nursing home.

Just and Old Man on a Bench
- Originally bought by Brian Keene when he was the editor of the Horrorfind.com site (June 2004). Everyone has a story, perhaps even a deadly one, even an ordinary looking old man just sitting on a bench. This story is the prelude to "Just a Young Man and His Games" published in Doorways Magazine (March 2008)

Temptation
- an EARLY story of mine published on the Fear & Trembling site in November 2007. A little girl realizes she has the power of life and death over her baby sister.
 
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bev_vincent
bev_vincent
21 December 2009 @ 02:24 pm
Several movies  

Three more days of work for the rest of 2009, including today, which is almost over. Day job work, that is. I still have some work on fiction to do before December falls off the calendar. I also stumbled upon a character’s voice for another short story that I plan to work on in early 2010, so I need to cultivate that one for a while and come up with his story.

We watched a few films this weekend. On Saturday we went out to see Have You Heard About the Morgans? I’ll give that one the award for the lamest, most irrelevant title of the year. Sure, one of the characters utters that line, but it is hardly reflective of the story. Hugh Grant is his usual bumbling, self-effacing self, which is a good thing if you like him, which we do. Sarah Jessica Parker wasn’t annoying, which was about the best I could hope from her. Bonus, though, for discovering that the film also stars Sam Elliott as his gruff usual self and Mary Steenburgen as his wife, Wilfred Brimley as an even gruffer guy, and Mad Men’s Elizabeth Moss as a modern incarnation of her character on that show. It’s light, amusing fare, entirely predictable but really funny at times. One wonders why New Mexico had to stand in as Wyoming, though.

Then we watched Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock, which is based on the memoirs of the main character, the president of town council who managed to bring the Woodstock concert to town after its permit was killed elsewhere. Elliott is a young closeted gay man who is trying to break free from his domineering mother but who keeps getting sucked back in by the latest financial problem. The family owns a fleabag motel in a tiny, out of the way town, and the bank is about to foreclose. Elliott runs a festival every summer, mostly a record player set up in public, and there’s a traveling theatrical group living in the barn. The guy who comes to evaluate the terrain for the concert looks like a cross between Jim Morrison and Leo Sayer from Godspell. The concert is both a blessing and a curse, of course. Eugene Levy plays Yasgur, the farm owner who rents out his property, Richard (John Boy) Thomas is almost unrecognizable as one of the organizers, and Liev Schrieber is hilarious as the cross-dressing former marine who now goes by the name Vilma who is hired to head security. The concert itself is very much in the background in the film. At best we here a few strains of music in the distance. Mostly it’s about the people who come for the spectacle and the ones who are impacted by its arrival. I liked the motorcycle cop who came out to bust a few heads and ended up with a flower stuck in his helmet visor. I’m sure the real event was much more like bedlam–it comes off as a very mellow time for all.

Last night we watched Easy Virtue, an adaptation of a Noel Coward play starring Jessica Biel as an American who marries a younger English man from a landed family headed by Kristin Scott Thomas and Colin Firth. Really lead by Thomas, as Firth is perpetually on the outs because he didn’t come straight home after the Great War but instead caroused around Europe until he came back with his tail between his legs. Larita (Biel) is thought to be a floozy by most and is instantly despised by Thomas, though not for the reasons that seem apparent at the beginning. The biggest threat Larita poses is in taking her new husband John away from the family home, which he is expected to save from financial ruin. Larita has a history (she’s a widow) and also likes to drive fast cars and was pictured “winning” a race in Monte Carlo until her gender disqualified her. It’s a costume drama with lots of UK/US humo(u)r and the usual friction between classes. Larita finds a sympathetic ear in Firth (and vice versa) and she relates better to the servants than her new family. Firth makes the movie, as he so often does.

Jeff Strand predicted the outcome of Survivor several weeks ago. I think it was pretty much ordained, too. Russell blustered his way through to the end, leaving corpses and mangled bodies in his wake. He couldn’t have gotten as far as he did without using the tactics he did, but in the end the ones who held his destiny in his hands were the ones he’d treated so poorly, so what did he expect? I don’t think I believe him when he says that he’s not like that in real life. I also thought he demonstrated poor grace as a loser, and the gag where he threw yet another pair of socks into the fire came off as feeble, too. I thought it was pretty funny, after watching the Ponderosa videos, to realize that Jaison was drunk during his first appearance as a juror, having just chugged a glass of wine from losing wine pong with Eric on top of several previous glasses! It was a pretty strong season, all in all, and I have little doubt that Russell will be one of the villains in the spring. I suspect that there are people out there studying his strategy and trying to solve the enigma — how do you scheme and backstab and plot and connive your way to the end and still have more than a couple of people willing to vote for you?

Funny moment of the reunion show: when one of the early contestants told Jeff that he made her break out in a sweat every time he spoke to her. His reaction was priceless. I wish the reunion show ran for two hours instead of just one.

Upgraded to Word Press 2.9. Cross your fingers it doesn’t go ka-blooey!

Originally published at Bev Vincent. You can comment here or there.

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angelinehawkes
angelinehawkes
21 December 2009 @ 01:07 pm
Daniel Watch Update: Plane is leaving San Fran on its way to Dallas.  

For those on Daniel Watch: we just got an update from our escort through our agency and Daniel did well on the flight, is "friendly" and "all boy" and "very active". The flight was a bit delayed departing from San Fran but is now shown as having departed the gate. Reason for delay: customer service. Answer to my question: Did he get sick? No. He did great. :) We're getting ready to head to the airport.

 
 
Current Mood: anxious
 
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wrathjameswhite
21 December 2009 @ 07:38 am
Upcoming Releases  

http://wordsofwrath.blogspot.com/2009/12/upcoming-releases.html

For those keeping track, these are all the books I have coming out in the near future so far:

Yaccub's Curse, Necro Books, December 2009

Vicious Romantic, Bandersnatch Books, February 2010

The Resurrectionist (limited Edition), Cargo Cult, February 2010

The Reaper, Cargo Cult, mid 2010

Everyone Dies Famous In A Small Town, Thunderstorm Books, mid 2010

Poisoning Eros books 1 and 2 ,(co-written with Monica O'Rourke,) Sideshow Press, late 2010

Unsold:

Amber Alert, a 20,000 word novella about women being kidnapped and impregnated by demons. (Think Rosemary's Baby on a grand scale.)

Miles of Hell, an 85,000 word novel about a former child soldier battling subhuman creatures while running a 135 mile ultramarathon through Death Valley in Mid-July.
 
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International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
nick_kaufmann
21 December 2009 @ 10:07 am
It Could Have Been Worse  
In my ongoing quest to find funny misspellings on menus and signs, I sometimes come across ones that are still amusing but could have been a lot worse. Case in point:



Tempura banana "rapped" with red bean paste. I suppose that means they had a casual conversation in the school hallway, or maybe on a street corner.

But as I said it could have been a lot worse, as many of the illiterate and incredibly unfortunate holiday season misspellings all over Lamebook can attest--"Grandma's downstairs raping the presents!"--but "rapped" is still pretty bad. I mean, they managed to spell "ethereally" right in the item above the Tempura Banana, and "ethereally" is like ten times harder than "wrapped"! WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?
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Paul
horrorofitall
21 December 2009 @ 05:53 am
Twitter Updates for 2009-12-21  

Originally published at A Fictional Skeptic. Please leave any comments there.

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Steven E. Wedel
sewedel
20 December 2009 @ 06:44 pm
You find what you look for  

I’m currently listening to the audiobook of Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible, and I’m enjoying it a lot. I mentioned it to another teacher at school the other day and she said she’d tried reading it twice and couldn’t get into it. Then she added that at the time, other teachers were “passing it around like crack cocaine” and that kind of turned her off. (We’ll ignore, for now, the fact she likes the Twilight books.) I asked myself why teachers would be passing the book around like that. The answer was pretty simple. But let’s go back in time first.

This past summer I went to an AP workshop at the University of Oklahoma. Because they made a typo in my e-mail address, I never got the memo we were supposed to read Hillary Jordan’s Mudbound. Every AP teacher there was herded into a room and for about 90 minutes a professor lectured to us about this book I hadn’t read. It may be a great book. I don’t know. I don’t think I could ever read it now. All the professor talked about was the oppressiveness of the white male characters and how brilliant Jordan is to have pointed out how evil white males are. Seriously. We had to evaluate the lecture afterward and one of the questions was, “What did you like about this presentation?” My answer was this: ”I’m glad I was able to leave the room without having to sever my oppressive white male penis.”

Last month, at the Red Dirt Book Festival, I was seated next to a sophomore English professor from Oklahoma City Community College and I was lamenting the number of my 2009 graduates who’d gone to OCCC and were having to take remedial English classes. We talked about the problems of getting kids to read and I mentioned how closed-minded many of them are and how they claim that To Kill a Mockingbird is a racist book because it uses the word “nigger”. He countered by saying that it is racist because it presents a benevolent white man trying to solve the problems of the poor, dumb blacks. Yeah, I’d like to see him call Calpurnia that.

Ten years ago, during my last year of undergraduate college, I got into such a heated argument with a professor that I left about $700 of my own camera equipment in the room in my hurry to get away from her. We were arguing over whether or not Emily, from Faulkner’s “A Rose for Emily” is a sympathetic character. This is the same professor that required we go to the movie theater to watch Oprah in Toni Morrison’s Beloved, then assigned an essay in which we could write about anything from the movie. I wrote about how it didn’t work as a ghost story and she counted off because I didn’t write about the feminine aspects of the story.

So, why were teachers passing around The Poisonwood Bible? Because most of the males are portrayed as dumb, at best, or overbearing and insensitive to the point of cruelty, at worst (so far). If you are indoctrinated in the “progressive” side of politics in which it is cool to like anything that is not heterosexual, white, and male, this book is another voice in your choir.

My question to my fellow writers is this: Do you think about such things when you write? Did Kingsolver mean for this book to be a statement against all white males? Is that what Jordan intended? Or did they just write the story they had in their heads, peopled with characters necessary to that one tale?

Of course, the argument can be made — as I tell my own students — that literature is not created in a vacuum. The authors are affected by their times and you can often see what was important to the author’s society by how he or she portrays various characters. This is what the professors will say to justify imposing their views on any piece of literature. My contention, however, is that you simply find what you’re looking for, and too many people in the academic world look for anti-white male attitudes in literature because it makes them feel better about themselves.

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John Urbancik
darkfluidity
20 December 2009 @ 08:23 pm
365th of 365  

Walking into the Sunset. A classic ending, eh?

As this insane project comes to an end, I walk off into the sunset. To find another horizon and another day, and perhaps another project.

Along the way I have made and lost friends, I've learned everything I set out to learn and a lot more, and I've mostly enjoyed it.

My rules were simple: 365 days, a picture every day. That meant a few things: no matter how much inspiration I found in my travels on Sunday, I could only use one. And Monday, I'd have to start over.

Some days, it was only the discipline of getting the shot. Some days were purely experimental. Some days were documental. Some days were poorly devised and poorly executed. Some days, I had a very good idea of what I wanted and I made it happen. Some days, it didn't matter what intentions I had at the start, something presented itself and demanded my attention.

I think, once or twice along the way, I made photographic art.

Tomorrow, the camera rests. It hasn't had a day's rest in a long while.

Thank you.



 
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marcy_italiano
marcy_italiano
20 December 2009 @ 04:03 pm
Life is a spiral.  
A friend once told me that life is a spiral. It might seem like you’re coming back to the same places in life, but you’re never in the same space.

I knew that something “High Schoolish” had been building up – something BIG. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it would be the reunion, but I was on pregnant bed-rest and it came and went without a whisper. More reminders and people from my past finding me online, more signs came, old clothes crept out of my closet, and I kept wondering what it was leading up to. I had no idea what my future would bring. Not that anyone does, but this was…

I am now convinced that in my lifetime, ANYTHING can happen. (Because the blackout in Manhattan and hurricane in New Orleans didn’t teach me this already.) Seriously, absolutely anything. Never say never. Always keep hope. Keep fighting. Don’t assume anything is impossible. Insert all other clichés here. But I need to tell you about what this is doing to me lately, and has done to me over the years.

G recently said to me, “Y’know what’s weird? Our kids will never know you as the person who suffered from Fibro.”

I have spent years becoming and preparing to be “the Mom who can’t.” I had a big taste of that when I broke my arm and had surgery. I could not lift my babies, I could not take care of them, and I could not play with them. In a way I withdrew from them a bit, unable to see them and still physically back away. I couldn’t see them cry and just stand there so when my MIL came up I went into my office. I was trying to wrap my head around all the times I would not be able to do things with my kids as they got older and more able to play and run.

Despite my years of fury and determination and drive, I have still ended up as the person who can’t. So I had to accept a life determined by what I could physically do and be happy within those boundaries. Even then, on many occasions, it was not enough for me so I pushed beyond the boundaries and paid a hefty price. That’s the person G always knew. The person most of my friends always knew.

You know what’s weird? You never knew me as the person who COULD. Before Fibro, back when I was 16 when it first happened. I told you for years about the sports I played, how strong I was, my endurance… but there was no way to show you. No way to show any of my friends that I met and kept in my life for many years to follow, who never met that person. That was one of the hardest things to deal with, it made me feel like that able-bodied person never existed. Maybe it was a wonderful dream I had once upon a time.

Instead, my friends watched me struggle to climb up a flight of stairs, or not be able to make it to the top alone. They watched my anger and frustration, pain and suffering, and they heard about this ghost who once upon a time ran every day.

20 years of pain with no explanation does some very bad things to your head. It comes in waves and with each wave there’s a new piece of darkness wedged into your psyche. I felt very old all the time. I tried not to feel like “the sick one” all the time. But the worst times came when I was alone. Perhaps in some way I had done this to myself, and how stupid I was for doing whatever it was to cause such pain. Or, on the really bad days, I started to think I was paying a price for something I’d done in life. I had to justify the pain and give it a reason because otherwise I’d lose your mind. So I repeated back every possible bad thing I’d ever said and done in my life – everything I could remember. This was my payment. On the worst of days this made sense to me, it was something I could live with. On the better days my list of fuck ups and “self-discipline” stuck with me until that’s who I became.

When it was raining out and I could not hold my toothbrush I would stare at my hand and marvel that it was mine. I disassociated. I learned to mentally live outside of my body. Buddhism helped. Just because my body is feeling pain, it does not mean I have to suffer. I can feel happy even when in pain, I can be productive and I can live my life. Grr. I sought escape on the weekends, an escape from my pain, but more from my own spinning mind and although it didn’t always work I needed to feel like there was a chance for release. There was a constant push and pull between my hurtful body and my cruel mentality, but I would not let a long-term depression take over my life. Instead, I got spurts of breaking down and letting go especially with the people closest to me, the people I trust. And for that I am both truly sorry and eternally grateful.

Sometimes I didn’t know if I was spiralling up, down, or sideways. I tried to stop wondering what each day would be like or what I’d do if I wasn’t in pain. And there’s a reason why I’m telling you all this now. Even if you’ve heard it many times before…

A roaring train can’t stop on a dime.

I’m still catching myself being very hard and cruel. I’m still having moments where I bring up some nasty moment in the past and berate myself for it. Much less now, but it’s still there. I don’t know if I seek mental escape anymore, and there’s no need for physical escape. I’m so used to being fed up with myself that my wine on a Friday night feels like a comforting hot bath for the soul. I’m still dreading when it rains, and often feel trepidation when the clouds roll in. When I run I’m afraid to push it, to pick up a little more speed and I suspect this is part of what’s causing my shin/knee pain. I’m telling myself that I’m “pacing” for the distance but really, I’m scared. I really hate to admit it, but I’m scared. I never ever want to feel a complete body shutdown again in my life and each step I take is too careful.

This is a whole new fear I’ve never experienced before and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’ve had nightmares about being hit by a car and losing my body again. I don’t know how this new, functional body works or what it can do, and I don’t want to break it.

I haven’t given a shit like this in a very long time. I’ve sprained my ankles and not flinched; I’ve fractured an elbow and waited until the next day to go to the hospital. But now I’m afraid that ANY pain I have will be a one way ticket back to eternal misery even though logically I know otherwise. I’m fucking scared and that’s just not like me.

And at what point, if it is yet to come, do I get angry about “losing” twenty years of my life? Can I live without going through that part? I’d like to skip that thankyouverymuch. Right now I’m too happy and joyful, but I feel it lurking in the back of my head. Maybe it’ll just go away and be taken over by thankfulness?

I’m also trying to re-imagine the future with my boys. I have to erase what took so long to form and accept. This is still blowing my mind, too much to describe here right now.

In the meantime, I’m becoming a more equal part of this household. I know how much G towed the line for all these years. He always told me to take advantage of the fact that he’s a strong, strapping guy who has no problems doing things like laundry and dishes and cleaning, and that it was silly for me to kill myself over household chores. My little energy was better spent with my work or having fun times with him. I’ve tried not to feel like a lazy freeloader over the years because what he said was the truth. He could do most things (often easily), and I just could not. I’m starting to pick up the slack a bit more now. I’m using my time wisely and filling in ten minute spots with something useful, like putting away laundry. But again I’m scared of overdoing it, pushing too far and ending up on the floor.

Maybe I just need time.

I may feel like I’m getting my 16 year old body back, but I know I’m not really. I’m getting a 36 year old equivalent. I’m in a different space while in the same place.

My friend Paula is one of the few people in my life who remembers me from my athletic high school days. We played basketball together, and even got nylon team jackets. I kept mine. She laughed when I told her I still had it, but I had so few workout clothes I ended up wearing that jacket on my first run outside the day after my 36th birthday. My jersey number is on the sleeve.

Number 16. Yeah. I know.

I already posted about having a great day after my run and going out to party, but it was more than that. It felt like the very planets were fucking aligning.

Paula looked me in the eyes that night and said, “I can see it in your eyes. You’re back. You’re BACK, Marcy.” And I cried.

Anything can happen, it all feels so wild and random, yet at the same time it seems to follow a familiar path. It’s all so wonderful, but it’s also a huge adjustment. It’s often left me shaking my head. But then again, this is MY life, I should be used to insanity by now.

Life is a spiral.
 
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angelinehawkes
angelinehawkes
20 December 2009 @ 02:05 pm
Daniel is coming home on Monday!!!!  
We are busy with last minute stuff in preparation for Daniel aka Kiddo#3's arrival tomorrow. In the mean time I've posted on our agency board to find out how to say toy, Christmas, Santa Claus and stocking as those aren't on our "list" of words and seeing how 3 days after he arrives, it will be Christmas, it would be good to be able to indicate things.

We are so ecstatic. Our journey has been long and stressful, but the reward is at hand. We anticipate hurdles, but we know our goal will be reached at the end. We feel truly blessed to be given this wonderful baby boy to parent. God is good.

Kiddo #1 & #2 are eagerly awaiting the arrival of their new baby brother. I expect adjustments in the older kid department too. Making a family is a period of transition and patience. They are both old enough to understand sacrifice and the gift of love...maybe not old enough to always process the emotions they may encounter, but that's why we're here to help them.

We think it's no coincidence that our son was born in a region in Korea that is known for its artists, writers, embroiderers, and deep religious roots. Those of you who believe in god, whatever name you may address him (or her) as, you know that God does not work in coincidences, but has a distinct plan. We believe with all of our hearts, that this child is ours, was always meant to be ours, and completes a part of our lives. We look forward to continuing the journey as a family.

I find myself awash with contradicting emotions, all normal, all ones I've felt before. There's that moment when your labor pains reach a pain level that is no longer tolerable, when your brain registers with abject clarity the permanence of your decision. Joy and love fill your heart and flashing before you, you see visions of baby, childhood, adolescence and finally adulthood milestones that your child will reach. It's all one big Hallmark commercial....and then in that same instant, you feel fear, panic, absolute terror...that's the moment of "OH MY GOD! What am I getting myself into??" but you know you can't send the baby back now (and in childbirth that's all too real as you have something akin to a pot roast wedged in your regions) and you know this is a done deal.

And then, it's over. The baby's in your arms. And you KNOW you can handle it. You KNOW this was meant to be.

With adoption, it's much the same. Instead of 9 months of pregnancy, you have 1, 2, even more years for some people, waiting, filling out forms giving government offices money, sacrificing, allowing yourself to buy a few baby items to give yourself hope, talking to others who have gone through the process, feeding off their experiences to get yourself to the next marker. The next document. The next approval. You lose the tangible reality of pregnancy...all you have are a few photos, a baby doctor visit every month or every other month...you live for that email to come into your box from the agency...you cry when new pictures arrive and you realize how much time is slipping away, how much the baby is growing WITHOUT you as the parent.

But that ever-present desire to parent this baby or child keeps you going. Hope is a powerful thing. And finally, in the end, your baby is given to you and you know that everything was worth it, and that no birth or arrival happens without faith, pain, and devotion. In the giving of yourself, you gain more than you ever can explain.

This Christmas will be special for our family. I wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has given of themselves along our journey. To those who donated money at crucial junctures, to those who donated to Brittany's Hope Walk of Love in our names, to whole convention staffs FENCON!!! who allowed us a panel to discuss adoption and Brittany's Hope Foundation to fulfill our grant obligations, FenCon allowed us to have a fund-raising table along with our normal book sales, to those who have sent gifts, cards, emails, your words of encouragement have helped us find strength when we felt we no longer had any left, your words and arms have held us up when we were too weary to find hope. Thank you to all of you.

An old African saying goes, "It takes a village to raise a child." Sometimes, it takes a village just to bring that child home. You are our village and we thank you.

Thank you and Happy Holidays!

Angeline & Christopher
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John Urbancik
darkfluidity
19 December 2009 @ 07:00 pm
In a Wood  
They're farming trees! Trees!

Tomorrow, there will be breakfast.

There will be snow, for some people, though there's nothing of the sort anywhere near here.

There will be air and water and fire and earth, all at various times of day and sometimes overlapping.

There will be stories.

There will be one more picture, and the 365 Day Self Portrait Project will conclude.

Originally published at DarkFluidity.

 
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marcy_italiano
marcy_italiano
19 December 2009 @ 03:19 pm
Is there a doctor in the house? I'd like to avoid injury.  
I just did my first indoor track stint. I'm on Week 4 of the C25K (walk/jog intervals), and I was the slowest one out there. LOL! Dems young whippersnappers. I went around the inside track 13 times, which equals 3k, in about half an hour. Yay!

Here's what I've learned:
- My shins are not happy. The muscles on either side of the bones feel tight and were hurting almost the whole time.
- My left knee is having... issues. I attribute it to the shin thing. It's a sharper pain below the kneecap.
- When I tried two little pushes (length of a straightaway) at a faster speed, both areas didn't feel as bad. Weeeeeird.

Also, the stamp on my hand that says, "TRACK" is really cool.

Do I ice the shins and knee? Heat them in a hot bath (preferred)? Call the doc? Roll with the punches and take it as part of the training process? I'm going to massage therapy on Tuesday but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. I was hoping to fit in another run for Week 4 on Monday but the last thing I need is an injury.

Any ideas? Is there a doctor in the house?

Man, it was really nice to give'er and pick up speed, lift the knees and really push it.

I'm still working on a longer, more serious post. I knew I couldn't do it in a day, but it's taking a week. LOL! Time time time...
 
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wrathjameswhite
19 December 2009 @ 09:51 am
Monster Librarian Interview and Review!  

http://wordsofwrath.blogspot.com/2009/12/monster-librarian-interview-and-review.html

Erik Smith over at MonsterLibrarian.com did a wonderful review of The Resurrectionist along with an interview. Check it out.

http://monsterlibrarian.com/WrathJamesWhiteInterview.htm

http://monsterlibrarian.com/ghosts.htm
 
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John Urbancik
darkfluidity
18 December 2009 @ 07:12 pm
Only Two More After This  
In the beginning there was color and light and composition and tone and f-stops and backdrops and studios and models and lens and tripods and remotes and straps and bags and angles and ideas. In the end, there were pictures.

Originally published at DarkFluidity.

 
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Lee_Thomas
leethomas
18 December 2009 @ 01:34 pm
Mina says, "Yay!" - ICUB has arrived!  

Mina says, "Yay!"
Originally uploaded by Lee Thomas



Copies of my new collection IN THE CLOSET, UNDER THE BED arrived today. They are beautiful! Vince and Dark Scribe did a fantastic job with the books and the collateral material that came along with them. Gorgeous stuff.

Now I have a pile of books to roll around in. Carry on.
 
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